Time has a way.....

Time - it's one of those mysteries. Some days drag on forever, some seem to fly by yet it's physically the same amount of minutes. When you're in the middle of a tragedy, time seems to stop and the realization that time will march on and, in fact, heal some of the wounds is untangible. On the other hand, moments of joy flash in a twinkling of an eye!

First off, congratulations to my wonderful husband! He was named the new principal of a local high school last night! What a HUGE accomplishment! Amazingly, when we married, he was a high school band director. He then went through a little "funk" when he didn't really know which direction he wanted to go. I remember 7 years ago this summer trying to faithfully support him as he tried to gain focus on what the Lord would have him do. Here we are this summer celebrating a huge professional accomplishment. As Stewart told me this week, "It's a GOD thing!"

Secondly, my Mom reminded me this week of this time 1 year ago. I'll set the stage - I was 19 weeks pregnant with the surprise the Lord gave us just 4 months after losing Olivia. I was petrified, terrified, but trying with all of my strength to trust that HE had a higher purpose in this. I was scheduled to visit the UAB OB Complications Clinic at 20 weeks for a high level ultrasound to check for any abnormalities. There was really only one factor they knew Olivia suffered from to look for, so they were going to check everything they could. I was clinging to the promise of that visit, hoping it would bring some peace of mind. I had been prayed for, even annointed by the elders of our church, and I was trying my best to cling to the feelings I felt and not let the Devil torment me. Well, I didn't do such a hot job! Stewart developed pneumonia, of all things, the week of the visit. I remember driving to the pharmacy to pick up his prescriptions and begging God to let me feel the baby. I was only 19 weeks, and you can't always feel it then, but the Devil had me convinced that we would get to UAB and there would be no heartbeat - again. I ended up making Stewart take me to the hospital (of course it had to be on the weekend when the doc office was closed!) and the sweet, sweet nurses at Huntsville Women's and Children's kindly hooked me up to a monitor and let me lay there as long as I wanted listening to my sweet baby's heartbeat. The day before our UAB appointment, our doctor sent Stewart to the hospital for breathing treatments. Stewart convinced them not to admit him, but he was unable to go with us to the appointment. I remember drivin down I65 that day with my parents thinking, "This is it - the next chapter." But I also remember feeling somewhere way down deep that it wasn't the end of the journey that mattered so much as how we travelled and were led on the journey. The Lord always leads down the right path even when the journey isn't planned.

Well, we got there and, with Stewart listening to the doctor via cell phone, we went through extensive ultrasounds and got the news that everything was absolutely perfect! I'm not going to kid you - the next 18 weeks were still hard, but after that moment, that plus all the other things the Lord had done for us were enough ammunition to help us fight the down-right mean ways of the Devil!

Here we are today - what a difference time makes!! Thank you Lord......you are faithful!

(Thanks to Simplicity by Christy for the proofs :))

Happy 4th!

We had a great 4th of July! We spent the day cooking out at my Mom's with lots of cousins to play with. Abby made a special 4th of July cake for the occasion which she was VERY proud of! Notice I am one of those neurotic moms who dresses her kids to match - LOVE IT! I don't have two divas for nothing! We went to church that night and tried to make it over the mountain for the Stars fireworks. Abby has been terrified of fireworks her whole life and this was the first year she was going to be "brave". We topped the mountain just as the last one went off. She was SO disappointed! Stewart was a good daddy and stopped at a local stand and bought a few for us to do in the driveway at home. Fun times!

Out of Gear

We are officially out of gear! This happens to us during the summer. With both of us being "off" it makes for an interesting lack of routine. Mind you, I have worked more days than not since school was out, and Stewart is writing half time shows for 3 high school bands this summer. Add that to lots of projects (welcome and not) and trying to make fun days for the girls, and I would hardly call the last few weeks relaxing! We all tend to start staying up late and, in years past, would sleep late to make up for it. Ellie Kate hasn't caught on to this yet, so we all stay up late and she still gets us at 6:30 every day!

That being said, it's been a fun few weeks. Father's Day was special for all my special men in the family. I know it was a tough day for Stewart since losing his dad, but it was a great day for daddy and his girls! I have such an awesome Daddy and wouldn't trade our father/daughter relationship for anything in the world! He is one of the single reasons I am the way I am and think the way I think. My relationship with God is stronger because of the morals and beliefs he and my mother taught me growing up, and and their example is one I could only dare to achieve! I am so glad to see Stewart building that same bond with our girls. There are just some things that only a Daddy can do! I'm also so glad to see the relationship that has grown between my dad and Stewart. What more could I ask than the two most important men in my life share things and have a close relationship? Mind you, if you ask them in person they will both come up with some smart alec quip about the other one, but I know the truth! (wink, wink!)

We've had several play dates at a friend's pool and gone to Spring Valley Beach. Both girls have had photo sessions which I hope to be sharing proofs very soon! We aren't going on an "official" vacation this year, so we've had several in-town, one-day mini vacations!

It seems like I have more to say, but somehow I can't get my heart and mind in the same direction lately. I've noticed since we lost Olivia that this happens. It's like I'm teetering somewhere in the depths of my mind. I can't focus on daily activities. It's like there's something else going on that I really want to concentrate on but can't. Sometimes, the Lord has provided me with some insight through these times and sometimes He has simply allowed me the "permission" to be human and not have it together all the time! There are a lot of things I am praying for in our family right now and so many things I desire for the Lord to work through us/with us/for us. Perhaps I will find the words soon to express. Right now, I am trying to concentrate my thoughts on enjoying our family, and knowing that all of these other things will be handled by the one who can take care of it all! Stewart keeps saying he is going to update the blog - here's your chance!!

Here are a couple of fun shots from the last few weeks......

My Little 5 Year Old

Oh me - I write this post in shock! Abby turned 5 today! We have had a full birthday bash weekend. She had a pool party with some of her friends Saturday at a friend's house. It was scheduled to start at 11:00 and it poured down rain until 10:30 and then cleared up into a beautiful afternoon! The only stress was me trying to set up the whole thing in 30 minutes or less!

Today, she got to go spend her Toys R Us gift card we gave her (she thought it was a credit card :)) She chose a Ipod Nano.......who knew a 5 year old knew such things? Anyway, we went on for swimming lessons and then fun at Bridge Street. She splashed in the water fountains and rode the carousel before we met my Mom for a special birthday lunch. Abby was determined that someone at a restaurant needed to sing to her. She is such a ham! She LOVED the attention! We ended today with a family supper with her grandparents and great-grandparents. It was so sweet to see that she was just as excited, if not more, to have her "family" party as she was with her friends on Saturday.

I'm trying not to think about it too much......Kindergarten is just around the corner - YIKES! How thankful I have always been for Abby, but even more so now! It seems you never appreciate life until it is lost. Abby has been and still is the light in our world. She kept us going through days we didn't think we could. The Lord sent words through her that we needed to hear. She was my reason to get up and face the day. She has more understanding about Heavenly things than many 5 year olds, but maybe this is an early part of her work too. We love you sweet and sassy Abby!

Updates, Updates

Well, I finally took a few minutes to post some updates on the last few weeks. I separated them into separate posts and there are lots of pictures! To say that the last few weeks have been busy is an understatement!! The end of the school year is always a busy time for us. Add in several singings, going out of town, a huge yard sale and trying to slide into a more "summer" routine with the girls has been a doozy!

The girls are doing great - you'll see many things in later posts! Ellie Kate is certainly proving to be another diva! She likes it her way, and ONLY her way! She can go from 0 to 60 in less than 1 second! And if she thinks she's hungry - watch out sister! The funny thing is, she can go from screaming to literally laughing in two seconds too! It all depends on the mood of the moment. Who said the second one is more laid back??

Stewart has been busy. He writes the music and drill for several high school band half time shows every summer. Did I mention he was Million Dollar Band member and a band director back in the day?? He loves to write the shows each summer, so he's getting started on those. He has also gone back to school to work on his doctorate. Oh me - how long might this take? I kid him that he just wants his kids at school to call him "Dr. T" instead of "Mr. T"!

I'm the same old me - exhausted, strung out, and still hopeful that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train! I've struggled the last few weeks with emotional undercurrents that I just couldn't identify. Finally, last week, the true feelings finally surfaced. You would think after this long, I would learn to identify my feelings enough to know when a break down is coming. But I usually don't. I spend days re-examining routines, wondering if I should take medicine/stop taking medicine, torturing Stewart with mood swings larger than life, and then finally it comes - an Olivia meltdown. This time it was triggered by a friend's Facebook post. I will post a link at the bottom of this post. It truly is an inspiring story of someone I can certainly relate to, but it was just too much that afternoon. Maybe it was just what I needed to break the ice. Whatever - it threw me down the old emotional spiral faster than I've gone in quite a while.

Maybe some of you can help me with this one - why is it that I try to put my feelings away and label them "handled"? I can even talk with others about them, share my feelings and try to help them on their journey and yet still completely ignore what is really going on in my mind. I lead myself into a vicious pattern in which I become mentally exhausted trying to convince everyone (including myself) that everything is just as it should be and I've got it "together" - whatever that means! Some days, I just have to sit down and remind myself, "Yes your daughter died. Yes there are still no real answers why except pure providence. Yes, you did suffer the emotional anguish of getting pregnant again 3 months later. Yes your precious grandfather died and your father-in-law died all in a matter of one year. And all the while, you worked 50 hours a week, raised another daughter to the best of your ability, tried to be a decent wife and smile while you did it all."

But then there is the flip side - Yes Olivia died, but certainly God had a better plan for her life and she waits for us now. Maybe he spared her suffering, maybe it is part of our works to bear this tragedy. Whatver the reason - great will be our reward! Yes our loved ones passed on, but after months of suffering, they are both without pain, playing ring around the rosies with Olivia, waiting on the rest of our journeys to be complete. And YES we have a beautiful, healthy 6 month old now and a joyous 5 year old to help heal our hearts and remind us everyday of our infinite blessings.

Bottom line - we're human. We all deserve a little break down/pity party/cry fest - whatever you call them! We all struggle with life's inequities. How thankful I am to know that God's grace and provision is greater than all of these. Trusting in this fact doesn't erase the hurt, but it does provide a great band-aid! :)

Hope all is well, and I apologize for so much at once!

Summertime!

It's Summer! Stewart and I are still working (I'm not exactly sure when administrators stop :)) but the girls are already in full summer mode!

Vacation

We recently went to the Smokies with my Mom and Dad. We had such a great time!! Unfortunately Mom was under the weather for most of the trip, but she toughed it out and got to enjoy the girls as much as she could. Abby got to go to Dollywood (we LOVE Dollywood!) and the Track. I declare we could mark her growth from how far her legs hang on the swings at this place - she LOVES it!! Here are some pictures and a few blasts from the past pictures as well!

2009

2006