Updates, Updates

Well, I finally took a few minutes to post some updates on the last few weeks. I separated them into separate posts and there are lots of pictures! To say that the last few weeks have been busy is an understatement!! The end of the school year is always a busy time for us. Add in several singings, going out of town, a huge yard sale and trying to slide into a more "summer" routine with the girls has been a doozy!

The girls are doing great - you'll see many things in later posts! Ellie Kate is certainly proving to be another diva! She likes it her way, and ONLY her way! She can go from 0 to 60 in less than 1 second! And if she thinks she's hungry - watch out sister! The funny thing is, she can go from screaming to literally laughing in two seconds too! It all depends on the mood of the moment. Who said the second one is more laid back??

Stewart has been busy. He writes the music and drill for several high school band half time shows every summer. Did I mention he was Million Dollar Band member and a band director back in the day?? He loves to write the shows each summer, so he's getting started on those. He has also gone back to school to work on his doctorate. Oh me - how long might this take? I kid him that he just wants his kids at school to call him "Dr. T" instead of "Mr. T"!

I'm the same old me - exhausted, strung out, and still hopeful that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train! I've struggled the last few weeks with emotional undercurrents that I just couldn't identify. Finally, last week, the true feelings finally surfaced. You would think after this long, I would learn to identify my feelings enough to know when a break down is coming. But I usually don't. I spend days re-examining routines, wondering if I should take medicine/stop taking medicine, torturing Stewart with mood swings larger than life, and then finally it comes - an Olivia meltdown. This time it was triggered by a friend's Facebook post. I will post a link at the bottom of this post. It truly is an inspiring story of someone I can certainly relate to, but it was just too much that afternoon. Maybe it was just what I needed to break the ice. Whatever - it threw me down the old emotional spiral faster than I've gone in quite a while.

Maybe some of you can help me with this one - why is it that I try to put my feelings away and label them "handled"? I can even talk with others about them, share my feelings and try to help them on their journey and yet still completely ignore what is really going on in my mind. I lead myself into a vicious pattern in which I become mentally exhausted trying to convince everyone (including myself) that everything is just as it should be and I've got it "together" - whatever that means! Some days, I just have to sit down and remind myself, "Yes your daughter died. Yes there are still no real answers why except pure providence. Yes, you did suffer the emotional anguish of getting pregnant again 3 months later. Yes your precious grandfather died and your father-in-law died all in a matter of one year. And all the while, you worked 50 hours a week, raised another daughter to the best of your ability, tried to be a decent wife and smile while you did it all."

But then there is the flip side - Yes Olivia died, but certainly God had a better plan for her life and she waits for us now. Maybe he spared her suffering, maybe it is part of our works to bear this tragedy. Whatver the reason - great will be our reward! Yes our loved ones passed on, but after months of suffering, they are both without pain, playing ring around the rosies with Olivia, waiting on the rest of our journeys to be complete. And YES we have a beautiful, healthy 6 month old now and a joyous 5 year old to help heal our hearts and remind us everyday of our infinite blessings.

Bottom line - we're human. We all deserve a little break down/pity party/cry fest - whatever you call them! We all struggle with life's inequities. How thankful I am to know that God's grace and provision is greater than all of these. Trusting in this fact doesn't erase the hurt, but it does provide a great band-aid! :)

Hope all is well, and I apologize for so much at once!