What a difference a year makes

I caught myself today thinking about this time last year. Last year, it had been about 2 months since we lost Olivia. I thought I had "managed" my grief, worked through the fog, and was getting on with life the best I could. Now when I look back, I realize that it was really just God sheltering me from the rawness of emotions that were still present. I cried today because I wouldn't let myself cry this time last year. I think I was afraid I would never stop. I read now about others in the fires of that grief, and I cry for them because it is NOW so real what we went through. As I type I am holding our "rainbow" in one hand and typing with the other. What a difference a year makes!! Is the grief gone, no - but it is more manageable. Do I have any answers for why it happened, no - and I'm sure I never really will. All I know is that this is the path that God placed us on, and I will trust that knowledge! I don't want to be the poster child for parents of stillborn children, but I do feel a want and a need to help others who have been through or will go through this trauma. You can go through it and come out whole, and even a better and stronger person on the other side!

I saw bits and pieces of an Oprah episode last week about your best "spiritual self". There was a couple who had lost a child and had sold everything they had and travelled around the country in an RV trying to find a peace for their life. As the "expert" spoke of methods, meditations, and other things, I couldn't help but feel very sad for the millions of people buying into these principles. I don't want to get into Oprah, her views and her influence on the American public, but needless to say they weren't talking about the God who shielded and comforted me during those first raw days and months and continues to comfort us every day. This couple eventually divorced because they, as a couple, couldn't find a common ground to work through their grief. I was never more thankful for the peace and knowledge that I have in God who comforts me every day. I was also never more thankful for my husband and the strength God gave our relationship to make it through this! It hasn't been easy, but I know we are stronger for it!

A friend sent this in the mail to me today. He was worried that it was after the fact and he should have sent it earlier, but it really couldn't have come at a more perfect time. He found this passage the night his brother and his wife lost the last two of their triplets who were all born at 19 weeks and did not survive.

"I know what you are thinking. You need a miracle. What better one could I give but to make this little one whole and new? I could do it; but I will not. I am the Lord and not a magician. I gave this little one a gift I denied all of you - eternal innocence. To you she looks imperfect - but to me she is flawless, like the bud that dies unopened. She will never offend me, as all of you have done. She will never pervert or destroy the work of my Father's hands. She will remind you that I am who I am, that my ways are not yours, and that the smallest dust mite lying in the darkest spaces does not fall out of my hand.....I have chosen you. You have not chosen me."

I stand thankful for being chosen - for both the good and the bad.