My Big Girl!

Abby's first day in 3 year class.

Abby's last day in the three year class.

Abby's first day of 4 year old class.

Abby's last day of preschool!

Abby's last day of preschool was a few weeks ago. She handled it MUCH better than I did!! She has been at this preschool full-time (5 days, ALL day) since she turned 3 years old. For those of you moms who work, you know what a heart wrenching decision this can be! I have struggled with these decisions probably more than I have most in our girls' lives. You just want to know that your children and happy and safe when you can't be with them!

I can not begin to tell you what a blessing our school has been to our family! I first signed her up for only a few days a week. When Stewat's father found out he had cancer, my mother-in-law needed to turn her attention to him and couldn't help us on the other days. I panicked - we had only been at our "new" school for a few weeks, and I didn't know many people there. When I called to explain the circumstances, they immediately found a place for her and made it work for us! Just 3 short months later, we lost Olivia. As much as we grieved, I was paralyzed with fear of what this would do to Abby. How could a 3 year old comprehend and manage the grief that we couldn't manage? What would she say? I remember looking up at the graveside after Olivia's service and seeing someone in the distance - Abby's teacher!! Mind you, the family cemetery where she is buried is over an hour from where the school is, but there stood Abby's teacher! Mothers - you can imagine the comfort this brought me. We had a conversation a few days later about how we were handling her comments, and she encouraged me to bring Abby back to school soon to get her back in the routine. The comfort in my heart was immeasurable. I knew that with prayers and the watchful eye of those that loved her, our Abby would be fine.

This year, that loving instruction continued with her 4 year old teacher. This time, she was faced with a child who would say, "Mommy has another baby in her tummy. Can we pray that God will let this one stay with us?" You know what she did - she prayed with Abby that God would watch over us all. When Ellie Kate's safe arrival finally came, her classmates had an "Abby has a baby sister" party and Abby marched around the school with her big sister shirt on.

You know what's amazing - they love them all that way!! Our family has such a special place in our hearts for this school. I know the Lord sent them our way just when He knew we would need them. Even in the confusion, despair and uncertainty of the last 2 years, I also had a peace that Abby was learning and growing in an environment where she was loved and protected.

So here we are - I have an upcoming Kindergartner on my hands. I can't hardly believe it!! If any of you are in need of a preschool, please email me and let me tell you which school we love!

We're still here - I think!

Just a SUPER quick update - we're still here!!! I've gotten many emails and texts asking, "Where are you??" We have been SUPER busy. The end of the school year is busy for both me and Stewart, we've been out of town, and countless other things. I have SO much to catch up on and LOTS of pictures to post. Until then, here are EK's latest stats from her 6 month check up today - WOW!!

19 Pounds, 11 ounces

27 1/2 inches long

Look at me!!

I have to share a few new picutres. Look what EK surprised us with last night!!! (My mom will die because I posted it here before I sent it to her!)

Here are a few more pictures from the last day or two. :)

The Promise

This weekend was a toughy! We sang at a dear friend's funeral. Have I mentioned that I sing in a southern gospel quartet? I have since I was 16! It's really all I know. My Dad has sung ever since I can remember and my mom has played the piano at church and for other gospel groups since she was 12. We've had several name changes and personnel changes, but right now we are known as Mercy's Bridge. (I'll place a link to the group website on the side - it's Stewart's project :)) The group consists of me, my Dad, Stewart, our friend Dallas, and some awesome musicians led by Dustin Kelly on keyboards. We sing 2-3 weekends out of the month all around North Alabama, Southern Tennessee, Georgia - anywhere we can drive and get back home in a few hours :)

Anyway - we and another group sang at the funeral of a friend. He was only 32 and his death was very unexpected. He had a beautiful wife and a loving family. His parents are dear friends of my family. His father is a minister who has literally held my hand and given me ammunition to fight the Devil during the struggles of the past couple of years. He helped me stand strong and know the Lord had not forsaken me and would help me realize HIS plan in our lives even when it seemed impossible to me. The funeral, as you can imagine, could have been a tragic event consumed with grief. But Grace stepped in! I have never been so encouraged or uplifted! As we sang and as the ministers talked, you could see the family allowing the Lord to comfort them, and then the Lord let the sweetest peace settle over that church. It was like He was sending that rushing mighty wind to comfort not only the family, but their entire church congregation as well. It was still tragic and sad, and he will be missed, but how precious that the Lord took something that could have ended with such dismay and instead left us all with immense hope and the comforting faith that only He can provide.

That's how He works. Who else could take the unthinkable tragedy and turn it into something that you look back on as a symbol of your faith and HIS love for us? Who else could take death and turn it into hope for a life to come? Who else could take the sadness and loss that grief brings and use it to inspire us to help others through it? Only God.

Here is a video clip of one of the songs we sang at the service. It's not us singing :), but just listen to the words. It has some powerful lyrics if you listen closely. It is entitled "The Promise", and was recorded by The Martins. I'm so thankful for the promises we have to depend on!

We're not alone......

I've posted several times about this unfortunate tribe of sisters that some of us are now a part of. It's not one you ever want an invitation to and you'll never actually know it exists unless you suddenly, without warning become a member. Membership is not chosen, but, eventually, is accepted. The greatest thing about this club of sisters is the Earthly support your "sisters" can bring - messengers of the angels I like to say.

Here is another one of our sisters. Her story is not unlike many that we know, but they way she has chosen to share it has touched thousands. I hope and pray it gives strength to some soul out there that doesn't know that her new "sisterhood" has unlimited support from all the many members around the world, and most importantly from the Lord above.

http://www.wsmv.com/video/19433603/

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Thanks to all of my sisters out there who have helped me through these times. Thanks for bearing your heart and soul to us, no matter how raw. I know it helps me, and I hope I have helped one as well.

The Day After Mother's Day

Happy Day After Mother's Day!

Why happy? Because it is over! I'm telling you, Hallmark certainly increases the stress levels of all ( most) Americans a few times a year and Mother's Day is one of them. This man made holiday can be the cause of such joy and such distress. Joy for those who have their mothers and their children by their sides to love and cherish. Distress for those who don't.

I truly had the best of both worlds this year. Last year was such a blur to me. We had just found out I was expecting again, and it was the first Mother's Day since we lost Olivia. My parents had this special canvas painted for me last year. It came from a quote Mom and I saw at a craft show, and ever since, has had special meaning to us. A friend of mine who has painted a lot in my house painted it, and even painted our family on the hill looking up at the stars.

This year, I had the memory of my angel, but two beautiful little girls to brighten my day! Stewart did an OUTSTANDING job on the presents this year!! Not too much expense, but lots of thought behind it. It meant SO much to me!! Abby also made some precious crafts at school. One of my favorites was a question and answer sheet where Abby drew a picture of me and answered questions about me like how old am I (15!) where did I like to shop (Target), what did I like to eat (spaghetti and sweet tea - Abby's favorites!) and my favorite - My Mommy is smart because she knows how to.....tell Daddy what to do!!!! HA! Out of the mouths of babes!!

Here are a few pictures from yesterday. I know it was such a hard day for so many. I spent the entire weekend being thankful for my blessings and the grace that is always sufficient! Somehow I forgot to get a picture of ME and my two babies - I was too busy with the camera myself!

Me and my mom (Mimi)

Mimi and her girls

My grandmother (Nana) and all her great-grandkids - Abby, Ellie Kate, Holden, Dacy & Cooper

The Missing Piece

May you always be overwhelmed by the Grace of God rather than by the cares of life.

This quote came to me via email today. Ironically, it describes my state of life right now in one word - overwhelmed. I wish I could say it was the grace of God, but mostly the cares of life. How is it that the very things we cherish, longed for, dared to hope for can absolutely suck the life right out of you (grin :)) I must admit that some of "life" is self-created, and Stewart and I have had several heart to hearts lately about cutting out the non-necessary commitments. The problem is - they ALL seem necessary!! I've got to learn the difference and put myself on the list somewhere. I'm starting to believe that maybe I can't live on 4 hours of sleep indefinitely!! I just feel like right now, our family needs time to just sit around, play in the backyard and take a minute to realize how blessed we are and enjoy the moment! For so long, I HAD to stay busy to keep myself from focusing on reality too much. Now, I just want to see my girls smiles, squeeze them up tight, and take a big deep breath in. Have you ever noticed in times of stress your breathing becomes very shallow? My new relaxation technique is to pick up Ellie Kate, bury my nose in the side of her neck and just BREATHE! If your kids will sit still long enough, try it - it's amazing!

Stewart and I travelled to Pelham tonight to the visitation of the Staffords (see earlier post). How bittersweet. Of course I couldn't help but travel back to the night we lost Olivia. In my mind, visions of that night flashed by quicker than I could process. As I stood there holding Stewart's arm, I knew he was feeling the same thing. As we waited to speak to the family, we watched the most tasteful and beautiful slideshow of pictures taken after Lizzie Ann's birth. How beautiful, yet how heartbreaking. As we waited, I really wanted the Lord to provide some earth-shattering, ultra comforting thing to tell Johnna. When we got to them, all we could do was hug. I looked her in the eyes and was able to tell her, in all honesty, that they WOULD make it through. It wouldn't be easy, many times along the way she would question why God thought she was strong enough to handle this, and even more times she would have to control her emotions to not just want to hurt unknowing, "unwisdomous" people who simply say the stupidest things!!

As we laughed a little about that, I looked in her eyes and saw the missing piece. For some, you might not be able to see it. For those "sisters" in this unfortunate club of those who have lost a child, you know what I speak of. No matter how much time passes, nor how much healing occurs, deep in the eyes of that mother is a missing piece that will never return. It is the piece that holds the heart of the child she lost. The child that is hers, but not with her. There's something about mothers - fathers will always grieve and miss that child, but for a mother it is truley a missing void that will never be filled. God's comfort is unmeasurable, but even Jesus had scars from the nails on the cross. That missing piece is our scar. I'm starting to grow enough to be proud of my scars and not resent my scars. That scar represents what God has brought us through. That scar is what, I hope, will help me help others whose scars are unbearable at the time.

To those with scars - we are stronger and wiser children of God for the journeys that brought us those scars. Thank God for your blessings and your scars today.