The Missing Piece

May you always be overwhelmed by the Grace of God rather than by the cares of life.

This quote came to me via email today. Ironically, it describes my state of life right now in one word - overwhelmed. I wish I could say it was the grace of God, but mostly the cares of life. How is it that the very things we cherish, longed for, dared to hope for can absolutely suck the life right out of you (grin :)) I must admit that some of "life" is self-created, and Stewart and I have had several heart to hearts lately about cutting out the non-necessary commitments. The problem is - they ALL seem necessary!! I've got to learn the difference and put myself on the list somewhere. I'm starting to believe that maybe I can't live on 4 hours of sleep indefinitely!! I just feel like right now, our family needs time to just sit around, play in the backyard and take a minute to realize how blessed we are and enjoy the moment! For so long, I HAD to stay busy to keep myself from focusing on reality too much. Now, I just want to see my girls smiles, squeeze them up tight, and take a big deep breath in. Have you ever noticed in times of stress your breathing becomes very shallow? My new relaxation technique is to pick up Ellie Kate, bury my nose in the side of her neck and just BREATHE! If your kids will sit still long enough, try it - it's amazing!

Stewart and I travelled to Pelham tonight to the visitation of the Staffords (see earlier post). How bittersweet. Of course I couldn't help but travel back to the night we lost Olivia. In my mind, visions of that night flashed by quicker than I could process. As I stood there holding Stewart's arm, I knew he was feeling the same thing. As we waited to speak to the family, we watched the most tasteful and beautiful slideshow of pictures taken after Lizzie Ann's birth. How beautiful, yet how heartbreaking. As we waited, I really wanted the Lord to provide some earth-shattering, ultra comforting thing to tell Johnna. When we got to them, all we could do was hug. I looked her in the eyes and was able to tell her, in all honesty, that they WOULD make it through. It wouldn't be easy, many times along the way she would question why God thought she was strong enough to handle this, and even more times she would have to control her emotions to not just want to hurt unknowing, "unwisdomous" people who simply say the stupidest things!!

As we laughed a little about that, I looked in her eyes and saw the missing piece. For some, you might not be able to see it. For those "sisters" in this unfortunate club of those who have lost a child, you know what I speak of. No matter how much time passes, nor how much healing occurs, deep in the eyes of that mother is a missing piece that will never return. It is the piece that holds the heart of the child she lost. The child that is hers, but not with her. There's something about mothers - fathers will always grieve and miss that child, but for a mother it is truley a missing void that will never be filled. God's comfort is unmeasurable, but even Jesus had scars from the nails on the cross. That missing piece is our scar. I'm starting to grow enough to be proud of my scars and not resent my scars. That scar represents what God has brought us through. That scar is what, I hope, will help me help others whose scars are unbearable at the time.

To those with scars - we are stronger and wiser children of God for the journeys that brought us those scars. Thank God for your blessings and your scars today.