Sunshine

Did I really see the sun come out today? I found myself looking up thinking, "I think that's what it is - I haven't seen it in so long, I had forgotten what it was like for the days to not be gloomy!" I've actually been able to say that alot this week. Maybe not literally, but I am finally feeling a little sunshine deep in spots that I had hidden away where no sun could reach.

I've never hidden the fact that I have struggled with fear, panic and anxiety before. I guess some would say I've earned the right. Maybe - but that's not where one wants to land, much less stay! Here's the thing, yes we've had a HARD couple of years. Yes events have unfolded in timing that could almost seem unbearable. It was nothing we were EVER prepared for, yet we were there. The struggle in me was not that it was hard - it was that I wouldn't allow myself to LET it be hard! Some OCD, Type A, control freak side of me (wait, did I admit that? :)) felt like it was my duty as a Child of God to remain strong in the face of adversity to prove outwardly what I was certain the Lord was helping us through. There was never a doubt that HE was helping us, but He never erased the events of the last two years. He never took away the indescribable, crushing grief of losing Olivia, too quickly having to say good-bye to my sweet Granddaddy, caring for and losing Stewart's father all too soon, and compounding it with attempting the ultimate trust with another pregnancy all in the span of one year. But HE was there. He comforted us. He carried us through days we thought unbearable. That is the God we serve!

Here's where I've missed the boat. His grace and mercy didn't end as that year came to a close and as we welcomed a healthy Ellie Kate to the family. Of course it didn't! He was right there when she had to stay in the NICU - all 8 pounds and 14 ounces of her! But also, the grief didn't end there either. That's what I wasn't ready for. That's what my struggle has been for the last 9 months. My daily battle has been how to be so thankful to our God for what He has given us, all while my insides were silently still raw, open, and crying. How could I express that now? To the world, our tragedy ended with a beautiful little package named Ellie Kate. If I expressed the fear of losing something again, if I didn't stand strong to be an outward symbol of everything He brought us through, how could I say I knew He had been with us?? WOW - who did I think I was??? Seriously - why have I expected more of me than even our Heavenly Father would? His mercy and comfort is still there because He, more than anyone, knows I still need it. For months, I have spent so much inward energy trying to fight this battle in silence that it was showing outwardly. When I finally was brave enough to admit it, I was spending every minute of every day trying to be the picture of what I thought others thought I should be. It wasn't what I felt, and it wasn't even what God meant for me, but somehow I convinced myself it was my duty to put on the brave face. I've spent so much energy on my inward battle, I haven't had the energy to stop and see the sunshine, smell the flowers or even wonder at the beauty of our own personal "rainbow". Stewart said it best - my glass that was always half full by nature was not only half empty, but down to one drop!

Sometimes you just have to get real with yourself. Not with God - He already knew the ins and outs of my every thought. I had to admit to myself that the only person making these demands on me was me! I'm working on it - it's a daily battle that I will overcome. Lord help me always see the sunshine, but accept the clouds too. Just because there are clouds, does not mean the SON is not present! My focus today is sunshine. I will stand still and enjoy the sunshine in my life. Isn't it a great thing??

Here's my littlest sunshine :) Both she and big sissy have DOUBLE ear infections (yuk!), but she's still all smiles for Mommy. How could I not sit back and just enjoy this life??